Raising unspoiled kids
This question was posted in one of the Moms group I’m in:
Hi Moms,
My 5 year old daughter desperately needs to learn how lucky she is and that there are a lot of people less fortunate than her. I realize she IS 5, but there has to be age appropriate ways to raise her awareness and be more tolerant of things that aren’t exactly how she wants them (I.e. Mac n cheese didn’t stay hot in the thermos). For the most part, she is sweet and loving, but the bratty behavior is pushing my buttons. Do I need to recalibrate my expectations of her??? How have you all taught your children these values/behaviors? Picture of my little love so this doesn’t get lost.
And, happy New Year!!!
This is my response (+ some additional context for this post):
I think I’m pretty brutal in this respect and will actually say things like “you are not the center of the universe… right now”. Just because they are the love of my lives doesn’t mean that everything I do/say will revolve around their every whim and desire. That is not how I choose to parent my kids, there are many times in life where others needs will come before theirs.
To that specific point about whining about food not to their liking, I will state the facts: “This is not a restaurant, and this is what we have available for lunch. It may not be warm, but it was prepared with love and has all the nutrients you need so you have energy to play!”
Sometimes, I could provide an option if available “If the food isn’t warm enough in the thermos, there’s nothing we can do about that but would you prefer a cold lunch in the future?”
Point is, I do not exist to serve their every need. However, to balance that I try my very best every day to actually create undivided 1:1 “center of the universe” time for each child. It doesn’t mean that those moments don’t happen outside of that, but it creates intentionality for it. The kids love it and that structure suits them.
Also, I try to help them cultivate empathy for others to diminish the focus on themselves..
1. They have chores to do to help make the family stronger because that is having empathy for other family members. Clothes don’t get magically folded in this household (My thoughts on chores in this in-depth post).
2. We are constantly brainstorming how to help and affirm others (instead of ourselves) and do little acts of kindness. The more we focus on the needs of others, the less we focus on ourselves. I was so moved this year when both kids took the time/energy to make Christmas gifts for all of us. My stocking would’ve been completely empty if not for the initiative Emmy took to fill it up.
3. To learn the value of possessions, they earn money through bonus chores and do their own accounting. This year, Emmy started her own business to make some extra money but she ended up donating half of her income to help with household expenses! We don’t buy them stuff unless it’s a birthday or out of necessity. If they lose/break something, the first time it will get replaced. The second time they will have to figure out if they are going to save up some money to replace it or fore-go it altogether. In fact they tend to cherish the things they have paid for much more than those we have paid for. It just makes sense.
The only other thing I want to do, but can’t right now, is to put them in a team sport like soccer or even Girl Scouts. No quicker way to learn you are not the center of the universe in a very tangible way.
At the end of the day, the actions we dictate are about what lessons we want to teach them. That’s why there is no right or wrong. We can’t possibly teach all the lessons in the world so as parents or our children, we make the decisions/trade-offs on which lessons to invest in. That’s why I will never judge a parent for serving ice-cream for dinner.
