Three lessons my Chinese parents taught us

I was born in the UK but spent most of my childhood in Singapore, where most people are Chinese and looked like me. I moved to Canada in 2003 for college (where I had heard many other Chinese people had immigrated to) and then followed my then boyfriend to Silicon Valley after graduation. It’s been more than 15 years since moving to the Bay Area. I took the pledge of allegiance and consider this place my home as an American. Today, I am scared for our future as Asian Americans and a lot of the reasons I feel this way has to do with my past and the three lessons my parents taught me as a child growing up in Singapore.

My family in Singapore

1. Respect your elders.

This is many-layered in the Chinese culture. You do not talk back to an elder (even if they’re wrong!), you always honor them in your actions and in fact, the responsibility becomes on you to actually take care of them as they age. Many of the elderly live with their children’s families when the time is right. This is expected and we are so glad that my mom moved here to live with us. Even though my dad lives in Singapore, my brother and I financially support him as needed. This means we have a deep respect for our eldely as an extension of our own immediate families. They are revered. So when we see others hurt the elderly, the weakest, likely many of them also not in the best of health... it is a very personal feeling of failure as a reflection of my generation. My mom has been in quarantine for a long time, and even though she has been vaccinated, I still do not want her out there. It is honestly for her own protection and it is a very personal responsibility I have towards her safety. I do not want her final years to be filled with any memories of hate and hardship. You’ve seen some videos of those grandmas in Chinatown fighting off their attackers! Those grandmas made me so proud of them but that wouldn’t be how my mom would react to those types of situations. And that’s largely because of the second lesson they taught me. 

2. Focus on yourself and working hard. Suffering is good for you.

Suffering teaches us resilience, strength, and the value of hard work. So this means that even when the situation is tough or hard, we grind more. We are taught value comes from working extra hard. I recently came across a study that said … that asian leaders are 10x more likely to be promoted … when a company is in decline. Because of the stereotype that they will work extra hard and pull through. So that means that when we face adversity, it becomes a learning opportunity for grit. Why does that make me worry? Here’s why: when my mom walks out on the street, and if she gets attacked like many of the targets out there have been recently, she cannot fight back. She will not fight back. She will take it. When people say hurtful words, she lets it slide off like teflon, and closes her ears and her mind. That is my family’s way. Personally, I feel like we want to be model citizens because we’ve never really felt like we belonged. So by putting on the best of behaviors, avoiding conflict, not speaking up or not make mistakes, we think that makes us more welcome to stay. When I was an intern at Intuit, I once caught a huge error in one of the calculations after I had already presented my research to senior leadership. I went into the parking lot and cried. I then removed my badge, went to my manager to "confess" and was almost certain I would lose my job and get kicked out of the country. It is very tiring to feel like you constantly need to prove you belong here and to worry that any wrong move could be very costly. And so it is not uncommon to see many suffer in silence. This also reinforces the third lesson I was taught. 

3. There is always someone that is worse off than you, so don’t complain.

Children in Africa have no food to eat.

Your neighbor Gerald lost his dad when he was five so be thankful you have two parents. 

When I was your age, I had to walk for an hour to get to school.

When my mom said these things what she was really saying is “count your many blessings”. My dad took that one step further through his actions. He ran a very successful private dental practice and spent his weekends giving free dental care to the inmates of Changi National Prison and opening our home for meals to recovering drug addicts. These consistent experiences in our childhood had a side effect such that whatever misfortune, injustice, pain we experience were minimized. So when bad/hard things happen to our people, my instinct is not to say anything or do anything, because how can what we have possibly suffered compare to what others have experienced in the world. So we don’t speak up, we keep our head down, walk away, believe it will go away. It’s very much a suffer in silence thing. When the violent events in Atlanta happened, even though I was angry and mad, what kept running through my head was… “I don’t know if I’m allowed to feel how I feel… or say anything, because I know I didn’t have it quite as bad as others”. So I pushed these feelings back down. 

I still think these three life lessons were valuable, especially in the cultural context in which my parents were raising me. It’s a place where many of us looked the same and shared the same ideals, But what happens when you leave and live somewhere where you’re a minority?

Naturalization Ceremony - February 18, 2016

As an asian immigrant, becoming an American is something that I actually hold dear to my heart and not something I took lightly. It isn’t just about having access to crazy cool job opportunities (which I have!). It’s about the belief in the American dream - that this country is for everyone, and that anyone can have a better future here. There are certainly many bright spots, so many of my American friends, neighbors and colleagues have welcomed us with open arms. But I know this is not true for everyone and especially with the events of the past year, I worry about this lucky bubble that we have been in. The bubble protected many of us from the virus, but it may also have been shielding us from some of the ugliness in the world. What will happen when the doors open and we go back to schools, workplaces, parks, supermarkets in full force? Will we still be welcome? Or are we now walking back to our schools and our workplaces with targets on our backs?

A couple of weeks ago, my son Thomson told me that he’s white. I corrected him and said, "No, you’re Chinese". And he lost it. He’s 6 and still trying to understand the difference between race and nationality but upon investigation, we uncovered that what he was really trying to say was that he identifies as an American. Every day I fight against these lessons my mom has taught me because I may be Chinese, but I am also American. As a parent, I will do a better job in role modeling what leadership looks like in these times, especially if it goes against my DNA. And I also need my children to understand that what is happening in the world today, is not okay. 

Knowing what is not okay doesn’t mean I’m perfect by the way. I’ve also done things that were not okay. Last year, I was in a highly sensitive meeting with Black employees where I totally fucked up. This meeting’s sole purpose was to amplify the voices of Black employees, yet I completely diminished one of them, through my words and actions. That wasn’t my intention but it happened, and it was clear that I had hurt him. It was textbook systemic racism. That was one of my lowest professional points ever. I knew the moment it happened and slacked him privately to ask if he would be willing to talk to me 1:1, he agreed. I actually cried leading up to that conversation because I was so nervous and I felt horrible about what I did. But in the end it turned out to be one of the highlights of my year. He very generously and kindly un-packed how it made him feel and at the end of the conversation, he said “We need more conversations like the one you and I just had. This is the point.” It is through these difficult conversations and situations, these lows, that we actually learn and grow to get to new highs.

I’ve never talked about this in any forum until last Friday, when I wrote this piece to share at an extended team meeting. I wasn’t sure if I would ever share it outside of my team, much less on a forum like LinkedIn, especially when my experiences just pales in comparison to other stories I have heard and seen (You see my DNA kicking in again!). I asked my manager and mentor, Lionel, what he thought. He said - “Leadership in these cases is not about proving that you had the worst experience, it’s about starting a conversation”.

So here I am. 

I feel very privileged to work at a company where we truly believe that we are stronger together. I work alongside a team who are constantly curious about the people around them - employees, customers, neighbors and the community. A team that has empathy and patience to help each other grow; especially when we screw up like I did. So my hope is that we continue to stay curious - intentionally seek to bring diversity into our POVs - especiallyfrom those that are not like ourselves. Question long-held beliefs or stereotypes, and embrace the uncomfortable conversations. Like my mom said, suffering can be good for us. Thank you for reading.